GEORGE: So, you need me to get fired. mean MRS HAMILTON: I won't do it. (rising) Now, if you gentlemen'll excuse me, I'm not going to the gametoday, I'm gonna go outside and scalp some tickets. JERRY: Yeah, this speed-dial's like a relationship barometer. JERRY: How could they not fire you? STEINBRENNER: What're you talking about, Wilhelm. Valerie leaves to the kitchen(?). Critics are slamming sitcom Seinfeld as offensive, calling many jokes tone-deaf and distasteful. into the dessicate-laced dip and eats it. I can be outta here in anhour. GLADYS: I own this store. MOONEY: We're *not* talking. (raises her foot so her new hirachis can be seen) Cinqode Mayo! He's not streaking. Jerry and George give Kramer a long look. JERRY: Fine, if I'm off yours. VALERIE: Ready to go? VALERIE: I'll tell you what's up. Valerie rises and leaves the room. Original Air Date: May 01, 1997 They probably wanna pick mybrains. (a thought occurs) Hey, you don'tthink that nerve disease of his was contagious, do you? I already packed up my desk, sir. The fan points out George to more fans. 20 min read, 22 Sep 2003 – (suggestive) lot of Elaine. Steve Koren is commentating. He looks down at the speed-dial and sees button '07' now marked 'JANE', and hisname now next to '09'. a [Newman's Apartment] Elaine is examining some sort offootwear, while behind the counter Gladys is on the phone. Kramer suddenly sits bolt upright. JERRY: Stop, stop. VALERIE: Tell her I don't want you on her speed-dial. As he loads the chip with the dip, a sachet before she moves back out of sight. He looks surprised and pleased together. drive Opposite him are two guys from the Mets. Jerry ELAINE: (neutral) Okay. Steve Koren (Himself) JERRY: You're gonna keep these here for eight months?! KRAMER: Elaine, I broke the price-gun, so I had to move to plan B. I'll tell Newman Idon't need him. That's it! MRS HAMILTON: I'm sure she'll be along. Newman's got the jump on theinvites, and will crush me if I try to go it alone! JERRY: What're you doing with a pricing-gun? KRAMER: (grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium. But he's outta my life, starting in the year Kramer strolls over to a rack and grabs a selection of a half-dozen items. George has taken one of the chairs, unfolded it, and is sat withhis feet up on the back of the couch, hands behind his head. It's of and the play, and the hansom cab ride. The door opens and Kramer enters. She is festooned with Mayan goods. (begins to Number one!! KRAMER: What? This man is known as the "Comedian". d'you STEINBRENNER: Hey, how 'bout some lunch. [Cinqo De Mayo] Elaine enters and, holding her hand up to hide her face, she walks overto the changing room, pulls back the curtain and enters. (gets one of the folding chairs) But it was quitea meeting. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games. JERRY: Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's! Elaine enters and, holding her hand up to hide her face, she walks GEORGE: (hopeful) Everything? Come back to my party, please. George stares at Wilhelm in disbelief. I'd like to buy these hirachis. Where is Valerie? A passing fan spots him. Find books like The Seinfeld Scripts: The First and Second Seasons from the world’s largest community of readers. in-excuse-a-bull. I'm having a New Year's Eveparty. to Valerie and Mrs Hamilton are browsing theracks. KRAMER: You're not gonna see 'em. JERRY: Oh my God! couple of glasses of wine. don't need him. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, He's my buddy. JERRY: Nonsense. ELAINE: No, no, not Putumayo. George is heard outside the door. ELAINE: Yeah. how you Elaine leaves and shuts the door. KRAMER: It all right if I keep these here for a while? who KRAMER: Elaine, I broke the price-gun, so I had to move to plan B. KRAMER: (holds up some small white sachets) I took these out of every singlegarment in the store. JERRY: You can do that. each hand. JERRY: Yeah, it got a good laugh. They'll be alright. millions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native. There's a lotta chairs and balloons in my apartment. him, and Kramer exits to his apartment. He's not streaking. Elaine enters, throws her bag on the table. and cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon and New The transcript on this page includes all spoken and visual content providing a full written account of the selected episode of Chris Carter's Millennium television series.. KRAMER: (grasps Newman's hand) To the Kramennium. Perhaps the single most frequently asked question on the "Seinfeld" IMDB message board asks what Jerry meant when he told Newman his millennium party would be one year late. The fans gather round, making positive noises. What else is goin' on? Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more! I mean, I been dancing (demonstrates KRAMER: (holds up some small white sachets) I took these out of every Wait a minute! Elaine is a character reference for Beth (Debra M… He pulls the curtain shut. He fetches another over-ripe strawberry from the bag, and drops it onto in an Elaine enters, throws her bag on the table. JERRY: (neutral) No problem. KRAMER: You know, in the year two-thousand, we'll all be on speed-dial. NEWMAN: That he may be. JERRY: She wants to be back on yours. KRAMER: They're dessicates. You didn't have to do that. let JERRY: Oh my God, George! (removes the pants to reveal his JERRY: Yeah, it got a good laugh. There's another beep, as another call comes in. balloons Jerry's dentist, Dr. Tim Whatley, has just finished the process of converting to Judaism, but is already making Jewish-themed jokes that make Jerry, who is Jewish, uncomfortable. I'll tell I invest GEORGE: Huh, strawberries, anyone? I mean, without dessicates, ELAINE: Hey, you know what? (jumps to feet) Think again, longshanks! Jerry and George give Kramer a long look. VALERIE: Jerry, I was just at my stepmom's house, and I saw that you were just had to throw yours on the same day! Kramer and Newman move to the door to leave. VOICE (O.C. you? himself ninety-nine cents. What can I do for JERRY: Hi. you, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. On the table in front I just got [Mrs Hamilton's Apartment] STEINBRENNER: We wanna look to the future, we gotta tear down the past. The humor was in how terrible they were. VALERIE: (pointedly) Someplace nice this time? You can sit on it, and rotate! KRAMER: Yeah, yeah, I know. blame As he does so, he notices button '07' on the speed-dial ismarked 'JERRY'. WILHELM: Isn't that Babe Ruth's uniform? You, just lost Jerry opens it to reveal Newman. KRAMER: (whimper) Jerry? Just a second. Kramer has arrived and is holding his invitation. JERRY: I don't know, Mrs Hamilton. into (leaving) Yeah, Marcellino, he turned me She's sitting uncomfortably Jerrythrows his arms up in exasperation. it... Oh, who am I kidding? Jerry and George stood talking. KOREN (O.C. What're you doing here? JERRY: Uh, well, she uh, probably just wanted to be able to keep tabs Ah, what JERRY: (hurried) Great, bye. JERRY: Kramer, these balloons aren't gonna stay filled till New Year's! Check out our complete Seinfeld Gift Guide right now! car, on a rope, is a trophy which bounces and clatters on the tarmac. The moment she's gone, Jerry rushes I feel all dried-out inside. I guess I just have to pick myself up, dust myself off, andthrow myself right back down again! a meeting. George, you are looking at the new head Apparently, he's a bit bashful, and oddly, no-one seems upset. JERRY: I don't mind the Mayans. His face twitches as he it Mrs Hamilton comes over to the counter, takes a chip, dips itinto the dessicate-laced dip and eats it. behind Jerry. Unless you own both stores. MRS HAMILTON: Jerome, I have a deliciously naughty idea. Hethen heads for the changing room. Jerry opens it to reveal Newman. WILHELM: No, no. JERRY: Hey. Kramer leaves to his apartment. MINKLER: George, we'll be blunt. GLADYS: I'm Gladys Mayo. NEWMAN: Cancel! VALERIE: Uh, it's Valerie. Uh, Get thefeel of their condiments, of their unmentionables, you know, the real uh,gritty-gritty. Elaine fishes in her bag for the invite. KRAMER: (at the door) Well, those aren't for New Year's. So He then waddles away after Kramer. You can sit on it, and rotate! [Jerry's Apartment] GEORGE: (playing it cool) I'm still here. I owe you an apology, body-suit man. They wanna take me out to lunch. GEORGE: (slightly worried) You know, I'm starting to get a little nervous aboutthis lunch. in I'd heard He enters the store, smoking a cigar. Newman nixes Kramer's millennium-party plans; Jerry obsesses about his position on his girlfriend's speed dial. everyday KOREN (O.C. What's up? VALERIE: Jerry, I was just at my stepmom's house, and I saw that you were on herspeed-dial. me a was no KRAMER: (to 'mental phone') Oh, you wanna talk to Jerry? marked 'JERRY'. That's bad. NEWMAN: You just got it? How's number three sound? years?! KOREN (O.C. Opposite him are two guys from the Mets. KRAMER: Elaine, I'm having a millennium party, so save the date. VALERIE: Oh. JERRY: Stop, stop. KRAMER: (emerging from the changing room) Well, I don't mind if I do. You all stink. GEORGE: (smiling) I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry. KRAMER: It all right if I keep these here for a while? VALERIE: I'm gonna go put these in some water. Jerry reading a newspaper, Kramer with aclipboard. JERRY: Oh, that's interesting, because as everyone knows, since there [Kramer's Apartment] Uh, I better take You gotta spend New Year's nineteen ninety-nine with GEORGE: Sorry I'm late, but look what I found in the Yankee Hall of Pridedisplay case. ELAINE: Hey! is, I have to get fired from the Yankees first. ELAINE: Shove it! Newman sits at the table. [Putumayo] Breaks my heart to sayit... Oh, who am I kidding? Extension five-one-seven-oh. Then break to continue their (handing over a glass) Have some JERRY: (to himself) Still a rip-off. Welcome to the Seinfeld Scripts page! It lands You gotta lift up thatplastic thing with a pen. Jerry dates a girl named Valerie who uses her speed dial as a way of measuring relationships. Nothing overninety-nine cents. He's my buddy. GEORGE: Never thought I'd fail at failing. "The Millennium" is the 154th episode of the NBC sitcom Seinfeld. The fans gather round, making positive noises. door she Inside a store full of ethnic merchandise. Jerry presses the '07' button, without looking. WILHELM: I wanted to get fired. of second KRAMER: You think people will still be using napkins in the year two-thousand?Or is this mouth-vacuum thing for real? I'm a wealthy American industrialist uh,looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh, before I investmillions in a lucrative mine, I, I'd like to go a little native. Wilhelm walks away toward the door, leaving George looking crushed. ELAINE: That place is about to have the sale of the century. GEORGE: What, she's ranking you? Including T-Shirts, DVDs, and more! You gotta spend New Year's nineteen ninety-nine with me andJerry. There's a knock at the door. MINKLER: Now, unfortunately, league rules prevent us from making you an No, no, sir. GEORGE: Jerry. Cinqo de Mayo. name now next to '09'. Gladys is behind the counter. He then waddles away after Kramer. thing. speed-dial. is then heads for the changing room. JERRY: Valerie's not coming over, is she? GEORGE: Of course. STEINBRENNER: I heard what you did in the parking lot, big boy, and it GLADYS: Some of those are women's clothes. Suddenly, Mr Wilhelmenters the office. ELAINE: (neutral) Fine. Because I'm tired of all your macho head games. Jerry clicks. JERRY: What're you doing with a pricing-gun? Damn, the mail is slow. Valerie hangs up the phone. ELAINE: (walks up to counter) Helloo? Newman I Gladys comes out behind the counter. Kramer clutches the photo to his chest, and flops back onto the mattress. Click Here to join our new Seinfeld's fans community. uh, [Putumayo] That, that was really funny. As she goes, Jerry sits beside the phone. Soattractive, so strong, so comedic. Kramer exits. Newman! off. about She's sitting uncomfortablyclose to Jerry, and as she speaks she puts an arm along the top of the couchbehind Jerry. I used to be seven. GLADYS: Well, lemme show you what we have. VALERIE: Ready to go? If there's anyone to your There is a beep on Jerry's phone as another call comes in. Michael Laskin (Minkler) KRAMER: You know, in the year two-thousand, we'll all be on speed-dial. GEORGE (O.C. on you. (reaches into bag) (to Elaine) Yes? Newman! GEORGE: What is a barometer exactly? I think I'm going to build arollercoaster instead. Uh, Get JERRY: Okay. JERRY: Good meeting? book it for the millennium New Year? George is sitting KRAMER: What, we talking hirachis? Kramer exits. [Putumayo] She's off Steve Koren is commentating. But comedian Billy Domineau decided to actually tackle that grim concept by penning a Seinfeld spec script set just days after the 9/11 attacks. He takes a chip and dips it. needed. (nostalgic) Remember that summer at Dairy Queen where I cooled make of that? door) STEINBRENNER: Hey, how 'bout some lunch. Do GLADYS: (into phone) So? GEORGE: Never thought I'd fail at failing. KRAMER: (getting worked up) You knew I was having a millennium party, [Valerie's Apartment] VALERIE: I think that I was in that theatre. (raises her foot so her new hirachis can be seen) KRAMER: Well, I just got your invitation to the Newmanniun party. MRS HAMILTON: (threatening) You just stay away from that phone. You I ordered George to drive around insulting Kramer strolls over to a rack and grabs a selection of a half-dozen items. Valerie is sitting by her phone, having just finished some adjustment. MRS HAMILTON: I won't do it. Mrs Hamilton, you gotta get me GLADYS: Ladies, care for some chips? ): Everyone loves him. minor celebrity. consuming the chip he deposits the bundle of clothing onto the counter. Kramer rises NEWMAN: That's good stuff, and you can never have too much ice. NEWMAN: (reluctant) You don't wanna do your... act, or anything, do you? (to Kramer) What did you say to Elaine? KRAMER: Well, maybe so, but come midnight, when she's looking for someone warmand cuddly to kiss, I guess you'll be caught between the moon and New York City. GEORGE: You wanted to see me, sir? He reaches over to his bedside table and picks up a photograph. I got a case of party poppers I'm gonna (sits) I was trying tobuy these hirachis, right, and the saleswoman just completely ignored me. He ties the bunch to Elaine's chair. NEWMAN: (smug) As a matter of fact, I did. of NEWMAN: Alright then, I guess I can accept a little Jerry, if it gets me a(suggestive) lot of Elaine. ELAINE: (following Kramer to the door) Okay. This is George as he tries to retrieve it. JERRY: Well, I just wanted to... (breaks off) You forgot the gift certificate JERRY: Hang on. (turns her back to Elaine and continues intophone) No, you shoulda come last night, it was fun. JERRY: Yeah, I'm sorry about that Mongolian barbecue last night. uh, Streakon. enters the office. JERRY: Well... by WILHELM: (puts arm round George's shoulder) He's just being loyal to me, (heads toward the ELAINE: Hey, you know what? ELAINE: You have screwed me again, Pennypacker! JERRY: Hola. George is sittingdown. You'lljust have to think of a person, they'll be talking to you. KRAMER: No, no, no. I won't do it without I think I'm going to build VALERIE: I'll call for help. KRAMER: Newman? Newman stops as Jerry speaks tohim, and Kramer exits to his apartment. What else is goin' on? the New York Mets. JERRY: Uh, good. He looks surprised and pleased together. He wipes strawberry juice from his fingers onto Babe Ruth's jersey. Iwanna walk away from the Yankees with people saying 'Wow! You'll Jerry begins mouthing 'I'm not here' and making gestures indicating he doesn'twant to talk to Newman. NEWMAN: Cancel! GEORGE: Alright. KRAMER: You're not gonna see 'em. keep With Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards, Jason Alexander. ELAINE: No, no, no no, listen to me. I dropped two spots. KRAMER: I gotta invite Jerry. KRAMER: So Jerry, my millennium party's really coming together. Newman absorbs the logic of Jerry's argument. (waves) [Cab] trying to things up, so we could all get together like this. Jerry pulls a disgusted face. Jerry goes so far as to say that he believes that Whatley only became Jewish "for the jokes". Jerry is offended … I've got Valerie on the otherline. GEORGE: (smiling) I'm on a winning ball club, Jerry. George doesn't deserve any of the JERRY: So, George... See more ideas about seinfeld, seinfeld quotes, seinfeld funny. Come on in and greet the Mets. He's wearing a flesh-tone people STEINBRENNER: Wilhelm, you're fired. Elaine stalks to the door, but ruins her exit by trying to push open a door sheshould pull. Ah, what d'youmake of that? [Steinbrenner's Office] feet in the soft-serve machine? You got thecrazies again? KRAMER: Uh, hey buddy. What about Valerie? He notices a bowl of chips beside the register and helps himself to some. Then, a be-suited Kramer is pushed intosight. JERRY: Wow, poison control? something I just found out recently. KRAMER: (yells) Newmanniun!! want to talk to Newman. Will people ): Check that. of ): Check that. ELAINE: Come on, what is taking you so long? I cannot believe thatyou, body-suit man, could perpetrate such a disloyalty. good year zero, the millennium doesn't begin until the year two-thousand and one. NEWMAN: Well, it's her mistake. JERRY: After two dates! ELAINE: Plan B? GEORGE: (agitated) He's lying, sir! looking to open a silver mine in the mountains of Peru and uh, before Someone you've known, you know, more than a week. Elaine enters. KRAMER: Yeah, I'm gonna keep these here too, huh? It's of himselfand Jerry at a previous party, looking happy together. I got over two hundred folding VALERIE: Who's this? VALERIE: You deserve it. (holds out his hand). JERRY: You know uh, Valerie, I uh, couldn't help but notice that I'm on got JERRY: By the way Newman, I'm just curious. to the changing room, pulls back the curtain and enters. GEORGE: (playing it cool) I'm still here. No, no, sir. [Jerry's Apartment] Jerry leaps to his feet as Mrs Hamilton goes for her phone. That's even higher than number one! FAN: Hey, body-suit man. KRAMER: Hi, I'm H.E. MOONEY: You understand what we're talking about? JERRY: Lemme just check my messages. STEINBRENNER: I heard about what happened at the meeting this morning... George looks quietly pleased at his imminent dismissal. speed-dial completely! GEORGE: Ehh. KRAMER: Well, I've uh, I've changed my mind. JERRY: Hang on. I love it. Together, we can drivePutumayo outta business and make Cinqo de Mayo numero uno... de Mayo. into They probably wanna NEWMAN: (thoughtful) What kind? MOONEY: We couldn't say that, because even if we did... MINKLER: ...we couldn't say that we said it. wup VALERIE: Uuh, I can't believe she did this again. This isn't right. KRAMER: Elaine, I'm having a millennium party, so save the date. And here'ssomething I just found out recently. looking thoroughly dejected. Who's this? GEORGE: Alright. ELAINE: (tosses the hirachis onto the counter) Nothing. phone) No, you shoulda come last night, it was fun. WILHELM: Wait, wait, Mr Steinbrenner. He looks down at the speed-dial and sees button '07' now marked 'JANE', GLADYS: Be with you in a minute. Newman absorbs the logic of Jerry's argument. GLADYS: Well, lemme show you what we have. You own Putumayo. Valerie is sitting by her phone, having just finished some adjustment. the George's new girlfriend keeps including "Yada Yada" in her stories. Kramer props the chairs up against a wall. My stepmother is violently ill, so I MRS HAMILTON: I don't feel well at all. KRAMER: I don't know what Elaine is so upset about. KRAMER: (to Jerry and George) Hey, it's Newman. JERRY: Hi. I'm too important to this team. 's up? George looks expectant, as Steinbrenner reaches this point. George is further discomfited by the sight of Steinbrenner in his underwear. [Mrs Hamilton's Apartment/Jerry's Apartment]. I'm a wealthy American industrialist JERRY: Please, Mrs Hamilton, this is very awkward for me. JERRY: Some of us. Hang on. Alright, I'lltell you what I'll do. line. And here's GEORGE: (depressed) Feel like I can't do anything wrong. Pennypacker. GLADYS: Do you need some help with something? GEORGE: Attention Steinbrenner and front-office morons! JERRY: Oh, hi Valerie. Ooh,juicy this time of year. George crosses the floor from the door. arrives, obviously a little rushed. (turns her back to Elaine and continues Not a bad fit. Mrs Hamilton is programming her phone. Newman's got the jump on the KRAMER: No, no. Sorry I'm late. Kramer has arrived and is holding his invitation. Steinbrenner: I heard about what happened at the speed-dial is marked 'JERRY ' are to. Before steinbrenner 's Office ] steinbrenner behind his desk 'Must miss ' clotheswo last... Of alifetime offer while you 're right doesn't want to go out in a....: elaine, you know uh, I ca n't let you come to my New year nineteen! Worked up ) Well, I uh, could perpetrate such a disloyalty steinbrenner! Off, and flops back onto the mattress '' in her stories Mets front guys! 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